on lists

I love making lists. Maybe it’s the writer in me, maybe it’s because I’m a Virgo, maybe it’s because I’m anxious. Maybe it’s because the thought of writing a list is more alluring than the thought of doing the thing on the list. A list can hold a gleam of hope. It holds the promise of pleasure. It shows a possible future.

I write lists of books I want to read, of games I want to play, films I want to watch and exhibitions I want to see. I write to-do lists for work, for chores, for trips to the supermarket. If things seem overwhelming, a list can help me restore a sense of order. Often, a to-do list is motivating for me, I list out all the bare minimum things I need to do that day, and doing them brings a sense of satisfaction. A sense of relief. Anyone who writes lists regularly knows too the secret joy of writing something already done on the list to tick it off immediately.

On my days off work, a list can help me structure a day I might otherwise fritter away doing nothing, and while days like that are needed for proper rest, doing ‘nothing’ can often leave me feeling like I’ve wasted my day. Out of the endless possibilities of things I could do that day I find it helpful to list them out. The boring stuff and the fun stuff.

Sometimes, however, I feel the lure of the list even when I’m in the middle of reading/watching/playing the thing I’m enjoying. The list tugs at me. Like someone peering over your shoulder at a party for someone more interesting to talk to, I’m half-cheating on what I’m already doing by looking to the next thing. Because what if that’s better than the thing I’m already doing?

Sometimes I feel like I’m chasing the list, the number, another thing to tick off. What if by making my lists I’m not seeing the things for what they are but a checkmark to be ticked off? Something to be consumed and owned to increase my cultural capital? But I don’t think it’s about the bragging rights. I think what I’m chasing down through my lists in the pressure of time. The knowledge that there will never be enough time to read/watch/play all the things I want to do.

I’ve read the first three volumes of Solvej Balle’s On the Calculation of Volume¹, and just like I did as a kid watching Bernard’s Watch, I can’t help but wish I had the power to stop time. Not indefinitely like it has for Tara Selter, but for a short while. To stretch out the weekend, to do all the things I want to and not have to choose between seeing my friends, going for a walk, cleaning the flat and catching up on my growing pile of books to read. In On the Calculation of Volume II, Tara gets really into Roman history, researching it day after day — and why not, she has all the time in the world!

Each year I’m conscious I have a finite amount of time to read. For me that means about forty books a year. That’s maybe another 2,160 books left in my lifetime assuming I live a long life. Not that many really. Maybe that’s why I’m always looking to what’s next on my list because what I could be reading something brilliant instead of something just okay? But what if in looking out for that next best thing I’m missing what’s right infront of me?

I am just hoarding books for the sake of it?

But then I read something brilliant like Kick the Latch or My Phantoms or Helm and I remember that, yes, the reading is the thing. This is why we do it, not to add things to our list or tick them off, but to experience something new, a combination of words we haven’t before that make us feel. Strange symbols one after the other to form units of meaning that have the power to move us. That’s why we do it. I am moved and remember why we exist.

And then I add that book to my Goodreads and move on to something new.

---

Last week I was on a different kind of list: a short list! It came as a total surprise but I’m so happy to say that my book Thank You For Calling the Lesbian Line has been shortlisted for the Gordon Burn Prize 2026 alongside some brilliant writers and books. Thank you to the Judges!

The paperback is out in just a couple of weeks, so there’s never been a better time to pick up a copy from your favourite bookshop or library.

1. Affiliate links to Bookshop.org help support indie bookshops and give me a little monetary kickback! ↩︎